


i had this thing to call my own

by KayCeeCruz



Series: screaming in the dark [1]
Category: Emmerdale
Genre: Just angst, M/M, Smutty Angst, So much angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-11
Updated: 2017-06-11
Packaged: 2018-11-12 23:47:28
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 727
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11172630
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KayCeeCruz/pseuds/KayCeeCruz
Summary: They weren’t what they used to be. He doesn’thavethat right.-written for lorna (wafflesofdoom) because she loves angst as much as I do.





	i had this thing to call my own

**Author's Note:**

  * For [wafflesofdoom](https://archiveofourown.org/users/wafflesofdoom/gifts).



> So I was listening to Royksopp’s “I Had This Thing” and this happened. I don’t even know. It’s just angst. That’s it. 
> 
> Canon divergent I guess since they are broken up in this following current story line.

He chokes back on the words, bites hard on his lip, metallic taste of blood floods his mouth. His aching cock throbs, grazes against the sheets and Robert whimpers. _He can’t say them, he can’t say them, he can’t let it slip out or it’ll stop_. Aaron will stop. It happened the last time and Robert remembers that emptiness when Aaron walked away.

 

They weren’t what they used to be. He doesn’t _have_ that right.

  
His gaze falls to his hand, clutching on the sheet in a white-knuckled grip, light glinting off his ring then to Aaron’s ring less finger. He closes his eyes. If he doesn’t look, if he can’t see, then he can pretend. Even if it’s just for an hour, he can take the heat of Aaron’s skin, let it warm him inside and out, store it for when he is alone.

 

Robert doesn’t know how they’ve got here.

 

Aaron pushes in, bottoms out and Robert hangs his head, chest stuttering with emotions he reins in. It’s not gentle, it never is anymore. He strains against Aaron’s hold, feels one of his hands grip Robert’s hair and pull, tight and rough. The pain centers Robert, reminds him that it’s not what he wants them to be but it is what they are.

 

He wishes he’d said no when Aaron came to him those few months ago. Angry and resentful, broken hearted from another failed relationship. He probably should have closed the door but there was never a time he wouldn’t do anything for Aaron. He needed Robert even if it was just for this.

 

It meant nothing. They were polite outside these walls. Aaron barely looks at Robert most days. It’s not even a regular arrangement. Robert never knew when Aaron would show up at his flat. He would just be there, pushing his way into Robert’s home, leaving behind memories and shadows that Robert must live with every day.

 

It’s not like Robert can escape Aaron. He’s in his heart. That would never change. No amount of therapy is helping him let go. His counselor would probably kill him if she knew. He lives for these nights when Aaron can’t be bothered to go elsewhere, when he needs to get off and Robert is there.

 

His chest constricts when Aaron’s lips ghost his skin, brows furrow at the gesture, and he shudders from all that brings back. The nights tangled together, the laugher, the banter, and even the quiet where they just needed each other. Aaron pulls him in, chest curving into Robert’s back as he moves him closer, Aaron’s hips change tempo, his cock hits Robert’s prostrate just right and he can’t hold back from saying Aaron’s name.

 

Aaron freezes for a tiniest of seconds before setting a punishing rhythm, the hand in Robert’s hair moves down to hold Robert by the throat, tightens enough that Robert can feel it, the other one finds Robert’s cock, fists it hard and strips him fast, punches the orgasm out of him swiftly. Robert’s knees are jelly as he falls forward, head resting on the mattress. Aaron thrusts once, twice and then comes, his groan fills the quiet of Robert’s room.

 

Robert counts the seconds Aaron allows himself to be close to Robert. Like always, he pulls away before Robert reaches ten. He closes his eyes, listens to the sound of the water in the bathroom as Aaron cleans up. Robert never looks at him, can’t bear to and he waits for the rustling of Aaron’s clothes, bites his lip from saying it.

 

_I love you I love you I love you_

 

He feels something fall on the bed next to his head, half-opens his eyes and catches sight of the wash cloth.

 

“Ta.”

 

His voice is graveled, dripping with everything he won’t – can’t say.

 

Aaron grunts a response and the rustling begins.

 

They never say anything.

 

He waits until the sound of the front door stops echoing, until the burn in the back of his eyes lessens before he moves. His chest aches a little more every time and Robert knows, he _knows_ he can’t keep doing this. It’s killing him a little every day.

 

He doesn’t know how to stop, to let go because it’s the only time he feels like himself, he feels real, _alive_.

 

It’s the only time he can breathe.

**Author's Note:**

> @kayceecruz on tumblr


End file.
